Monday, November 21, 2011

a change in the making, part II

I've had a big fall.  I say that for two reasons. One, I think I've eaten my weight in junk food. I am certain I am going to have to break out the fatty jeans or live in leggings.

I'm kind of okay with this. Food is good, and leggings expand.

Two, I have learned so much about myself.  I have always been so envious of my dad for being so wise.  He has given me tidbits of advice throughout any trials that I have had, and I have always looked at him and wondered how he knew so much. Seriously. I am a hot head, I am impatient, I have prided myself on being "tough", and I have a VERY quick tongue.  The thing that I have learned is that I got a lot of this from him, and the only thing that tames this wild beast is time and experience.

I've learned that there are few things in life to get angry over.  Every day occurances are not worth the sweat off of your brow.  There are big things going on in the world. People who have real problems.  Mine are trivial in comparison.  The kids won't quit crying or fighting? That means I have children- something that I wasn't sure of 5 years ago. And I have TWO.  They are warm, full, and healthy.  The house being a mess? It means that I have a house, and I have a job and a family that keep me from cleaning it.  Social drama? People care enough about me to be angry with me, and I have people in my life that I care enough for to be angry with them.  There are people that have no one to even speak their name.  I cannot imagine that kind of lonliness. 

I am so impatient.  If I am three deep in line at Walmart I lose my mind.  I would never make it in a big town because the traffic in my little ole town makes me MAD.  However, after this fall, I am beginning to look at it differently. This is such an opportunity from God to have quiet time. Its a gift.  Although I am a complete work in progress, I am really trying to appreciate this and take in those small moments.  No moment is a waste of my time. All of it is a gift and meant to be treasured.  If waiting in line is a waste of my time, then that is my fault it was wasted.

Ever since I was little my dad has told me that I have two eyes, two ears, and only ONE mouth. This has always been a hard lesson. Im not observant. I don't listen. I talk WAY too much. There is a line in a "What do I know of Holy"  by Addison Road that struck me and probably changed this part of me. she says " I try to hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time"  This is the story of my life.  I always wondered why I haven't felt that connection with God in so long.  It has a lot to do with the fact that I wouldn't shut my mouth. I wasn't listening for Him.  I don't know how I missed the memo on this one, but I certainly did.  Its pretty essential, folks. And practicing this has changed my life completely. My words to God were also very selfish ones. I was asking for so much, but giving little thanks.  We are blessed, people. So very blessed. Whatever trials and tribulations we endure, we are still unbelievably blessed by our Father. We are so very lucky.

I read something on Pinterest that said the world has enough tough women.  We need mild and compassionate women.  This struck me as odd, because we are told to be strong and independent.  I desire both.  But I don't need to be only tough anymore. I can cry, and its okay.  I can be vulnerable and weak, and its okay.  I can admit my faults, and its okay. I am a strong and independent woman, but I am also human.  I struggle with this one a little- my big brothers raised me to be a tough one.  I think the goal is to strive to be a woman of strength, AND of grace.

I really am just in awe of life sometimes.  I look back 10 years and hardly recognize the woman that I was.  I'm sure this is just the beginning of a long process of evolving- becoming the person that you are intended to be, that God intends for you to be.  I am not regretful of any experience that has had a hand in my evolvement, for they have made me into a person that as of right now, I am pretty proud to be.  I think I'm doing okay navigating the waters lately.  I'm sure that at some point I will encounter something that challenges me and makes me gasp for air and feel like I'm drowning, but that is when I know to have faith, and to stop what I'm doing, and to listen.

Last things last...

One- check your dryer vents. Ours was clogged and caught our dryer on fire. FLAMES. It was caught in time, and I get a new dryer, but still- it could have burned the house down. 

Two- The child is still pulling his poop out of his diaper. Help.